Soapbox Time

I'm not usually one to get on a soapbox, but this I feel like I have to. I'm also not the first to get on this soapbox. You could probably say that this is from my own guilt, and you'd be right. For the record, this is for every mother.

Let me start by explaining that I have three children. The first two were exclusively breastfed (as far as breast milk vs formula; they both had solid foods on schedule); the first for 16 months the second for 21 months. I mostly loved it - the bonding, the feeling that I was doing what was absolutely best for them - but I didn't care for some of it: no one else could ever feed them because they both refused bottles.

My third, a son, started off breastfeeding, and then I would alternate giving one bottle of pumped milk or one bottle of formula a day. With two older kids in school, I figured there was a higher possibility that I would have to leave him for an hour or two than there was with the girls and he might get hungry. From the beginning, he spit up more than the girls, but I didn't think much of it, I figured most babies spit up, I just got lucky with the first two. After a week or two, I noticed he spit up SO much more when he had breastmilk than when he had formula. I kept trying, but I don't think any of the breastmilk stayed down at all. When he was about a month old, he became covered in a rash from head to toe. At first I thought it was simply a heat rash, but it got worse and wouldn't go away. We went to the pediatrician and she suggested the rash combined with spitting up was an allergic reaction and to try switching to soy formula. I did. The rash went away almost immediately. He still had a spots of eczema on his ankles, but that was nothing compared to what it was. I was both relieved and disappointed. It's hard to explain both feeling like you ARE doing what's best for your child and that you're NOT doing what's best for them. I knew him not keeping my milk down wasn't doing anything for him, but breastmilk is SO good for him! This is a conversation I have with myself everyday, without any prompting, and he's over 10 months old now.

So on my own, without any help from the outside world, I feel guilty about not breastfeeding. And as if that wasn't enough, the benefits of breastfeeding are EVERYWHERE! Because it does have benefits! I still believe you should try to breastfeed, even for a short time, so I'm not opposed to this information being everywhere, but it does add to my guilt.

Then there are people. Not in person, not yet, maybe I'm lucky. But there are people. On parenting sites, writing blogs and commenting, some aren't as harsh as others, but some are so very mean. Some, on parenting sites and on Facebook, simply talk about breastfeeding [constantly], with and without being condescending. The cruelty and attitude will make even a mother who never cared to breastfeed feel bad. But to those of us who wanted to but couldn't for one reason or another - and you don't know who couldn't and who wouldn't, nor do you need to know - all of these things are just weight after weight of guilt on our shoulders. I worry all the time that he's going to be sick more than the girls because he didn't have enough breastmilk. I shame myself enough, I don't need you to do it, also.

Advice is one thing, but leave the judgement out of it. Whether it's breastmilk or formula, when to start solids, which solids to start, what diapers to use, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc... Good advice is helpful, a lot of us have discovered tricks to help with different things. I'm the first to share the Sleep Lady book when someone mentions their baby isn't sleeping. My oldest went from sleeping no more than 30 minutes for the first year to sleeping 12 hours straight at night plus taking three naps during the day! I wish someone had told me about it six months earlier. I've used the techniques with the other two from the beginning. I always share the name of the book, but there are others that are just as good - and one I think is very, very similar. The book I use works for us, that doesn't necessarily make it better.

To all the mothers: Please stop shaming your fellow mothers! For the most part, we all want what's best for our children! There are plenty of news stories to show there are mothers who don't, BUT most of us do! And especially if we're on a freaking parenting site, we do! Support each other. Offer advice in a helpful way. Support each other. But don't judge and don't shame.

That is all. Thanks for reading.

Just as a disclaimer: most of us do want what is best for our children, but there are people who don't. If you suspect child abuse, please report it.